Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Big "H"

Early morning, as I open my email, I received one from a friend, Mimosa… A sad face, with a note “i'm tired naaaaaaaaaaaa........” Ito ang unang pagkakataon na nakatanggap ako ng ganitong mensahe mula sa kanya… There's something wrong...

End of last year, we have been talking about what will happen next to our lives… I took advantage of the Christmas vacation para mag-isip… Saan nga ba ako pupunta? Ano ba ang gusto gawin? Before the new year starts, I felt not ready again to leave...Reasons why? I don't want to elaborate pero alam ko and I felt that I want to...Pero sa tuwing may mangyayaring nakakasama sa loob ko (mapagalitan, maiparamdam na mali ginawa mo o ang parang wala ka ginawa, isisi sa'yo at sabihing dapat nagawan mo ng paraan ang sitwasyong hindi mo naman hinawakan mula sa simula at itapon ang ideyang pinaghirapan), then here I am again, thinking of leaving this life is the best thing to do...

Ilang beses ko na sinabi ito sa sarili ko, sa mga kaibigan, sa blog...
Nakakasawa na din to entertain the feeling of wanting to give up then in the end, telling everybody and to myself that I want to stay with reasons na hindi ko alam DAW at basta ko na lang naramdaman...

The big question is "HOW?"...Paano mo ba malalaman na tama na? Mimosa is tired... Prue is so tired and don't see any light of working with some... Pek doesn't feel like an asset to the program...Ate J has her husband to provide...Julia is willing to leave her career anytime, by all means...But we are all staying...Is this stupidity?

Hahahaha...Habang sinusulat ko ang blog na ito, I received a call from Prue, galit, biwisit, pagod, ayaw na...haaaaaay... Life in this environment is such a WOW, a "space shutttle" ride experience...

Back to the Big "H", I tried to look for answers, reasons and points so I can have the courage, be brave enough to do the right thing, I even prayed...But I got none though he made me realized one thing na palagi niya ginagawa, to change the way I'm praying for everybody...That instead of asking for a new career path, ask for a clearer mind to appreciate where we are now (kahit mahirap)...And that instead of praying na mawala sa buhay namin ang mga taong nakakapagpa-init ng ulo namin, sana hindi na lang mabawasan ang mga taong nakakapagpasaya...

Let's all hope...