7:35 PM
The mood started to change... I became sad for reason(s) I don't know, I cant find...
10:54 PM
I want to write...Justify the feeling...Ask and explain what's happening...
But...
I don't want this entry to be depressing...Neither be a non sense one...It will go no where...Better to stop it now...
###
Friday, July 18, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
Long Term???
It's not meant to happen...
This very minute I still want to believe that tomorrow will be a happy-worry free day with the wind blowing on my face, water on my feet, food shared to my closest budz...But I think no one is decided...No one seems to be excited...Is it the place? I don't know...Not the company I'm pretty sure....
I wish we have more time to plan...I wish we have all the luxuries to go far places and don't worry on everything when we get back...
I guess...The reason is that every one of us wants a long term happiness...Useless it seems???...
For in the end, its still this four corner of the room with the monster(s)...Waaaaaaaaaah!!!!! Hahahahahaha!!!!
My prayer:
"Lord, bring the same old brand new us"
This very minute I still want to believe that tomorrow will be a happy-worry free day with the wind blowing on my face, water on my feet, food shared to my closest budz...But I think no one is decided...No one seems to be excited...Is it the place? I don't know...Not the company I'm pretty sure....
I wish we have more time to plan...I wish we have all the luxuries to go far places and don't worry on everything when we get back...
I guess...The reason is that every one of us wants a long term happiness...Useless it seems???...
For in the end, its still this four corner of the room with the monster(s)...Waaaaaaaaaah!!!!! Hahahahahaha!!!!
My prayer:
"Lord, bring the same old brand new us"
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Feeling Better...
Ngiti, alak, tawanan, pagkain, kwentuhan, kantahan - masayang sabado para sa akin at sa buong pamilya ko...Sulit ang pagiintay at ang pagsabi ko sa sarili ko na darating din ang sabado...Pero kinabukasan, hindi naging maganda ang gising ko...Nakakapanlambot na umaga naman ang sumalubong sa akin...Hindi ko na ipapaliwanag pa ng detalyado dahil ang buhay maari namang 'BASTA LANG'...
Katulad na lang ng linggong dumaan sa buhay ko at sa buhay ng pili kong mga kaibgan...BASTA NA LANG sa isang iglap - gumuho ang ipinundar, nagulo ang lahat...Isang paninira, motibo para sa sarili, pagpapakita ng malasakit sa inauukulan, galit sa mga taong ipinahamak - ilan sa mga dahilan na naglaro sa isipan ko...Naiintindhan ko na…Ugali n’ya talaga, nakalakihang paniniwala na para maging maluwag ang dibdib nya - kelangan niya gawin...Sa malalim na pagsusri at malawak na paguutak - paano mo naman masisisi ang taong ginawa lamang ang makakapagpasaya sa kanya…Eh sa prinsipyo na pinaniniwalaan ko kung anong makakapagpasaya gawin mo ng malaya...
Oo, nagpupuyos ang damdamin pero hindi na dahil sa nagawa kundi dahil sa naging reaksyon...”I dont want to stoop down on their level” kaya ayaw ko harapin, komprontahin at tanungin kung siya nga ba ang gumawa non...Hindi totoo, isang palusot, isang pagpapanggap...Hindi ko siya hinaharap at wala na ako balak dahil sa WALA NAMAN AKO PAKIALAM SA SASABIHIN PA NIYA,AMININ MAN NIYA O HINDI...Dahil ang gusto ko naman talaga marinig eh “HINDI AKO NANIWALA NA MAGAGAWA N’YO YAN...Umaaasa o gustong maniwala na naniniwala siya sa akin, sa amin...Subok ko na ang sarili ko…Apektado talaga ako kapag ang mga taong mahal ko, pinagtitingnan o gusto kong parte ng buhay ko ay hindi naniniwala sa akin - mapatrabahong ipinakita ko o sa pagkatao ko na mula bata ay hinulma na ng aking mga magulang...Siguro nga gusto ko na siyang parte ng buhay ko...Uulitin ko - siya bilang parte ng buhay ko, hindi ako parte ng buhay nya...Dito magiging maliwanag na hindi dahil siya ay siya kaya ako nagkakaganito kundi dahil binuksan ko ang puso ko sa kanya, inintindi at inisip na may dahilan kung bakit siya ganyan na pamantayan ko naman kahit sa ordinaryong taong nakikilala ko - sana nga hindi na lang...Dahil mali...Walang patutunguhan...Walang kahapon para sa kanya - na dati pa'y nakikita ko naman pero pinairal ko pa ang pagintindi...Ngayon, malinaw na malinaw na sa akin...Isang malaking panghihinayang dahil alam ko sa sarili ko tapat akong tao...
Isang leksyon ang iniwan sa akin ng pangyayari na ipagpapasalamat ko pa yata sa dapat ay isinusumpa ko - Salamat dahil habang maaga bago pa tuluyang lumapat ay nakaalpas ako...Bago pa tuluyang lumubog ay nakaahon ako...Ngayon, alam ko na...Maari na ako maging maingat...
Pag-alis ang una ko nakitang makakapagpaluwag ng dibdib ko pero ang totoong gusto ko NGAYON ay nandito ako, kasama ako sa hirap at ginhawa, tawa at iyak, mura at kalma, ngarag at petiks - ito ang ikaliligaya ko...
The thought alone made me feel better...Don't need the trust for I will live the day w/ HIM totally not part of it...It's a vindication itself...
Katulad na lang ng linggong dumaan sa buhay ko at sa buhay ng pili kong mga kaibgan...BASTA NA LANG sa isang iglap - gumuho ang ipinundar, nagulo ang lahat...Isang paninira, motibo para sa sarili, pagpapakita ng malasakit sa inauukulan, galit sa mga taong ipinahamak - ilan sa mga dahilan na naglaro sa isipan ko...Naiintindhan ko na…Ugali n’ya talaga, nakalakihang paniniwala na para maging maluwag ang dibdib nya - kelangan niya gawin...Sa malalim na pagsusri at malawak na paguutak - paano mo naman masisisi ang taong ginawa lamang ang makakapagpasaya sa kanya…Eh sa prinsipyo na pinaniniwalaan ko kung anong makakapagpasaya gawin mo ng malaya...
Oo, nagpupuyos ang damdamin pero hindi na dahil sa nagawa kundi dahil sa naging reaksyon...”I dont want to stoop down on their level” kaya ayaw ko harapin, komprontahin at tanungin kung siya nga ba ang gumawa non...Hindi totoo, isang palusot, isang pagpapanggap...Hindi ko siya hinaharap at wala na ako balak dahil sa WALA NAMAN AKO PAKIALAM SA SASABIHIN PA NIYA,AMININ MAN NIYA O HINDI...Dahil ang gusto ko naman talaga marinig eh “HINDI AKO NANIWALA NA MAGAGAWA N’YO YAN...Umaaasa o gustong maniwala na naniniwala siya sa akin, sa amin...Subok ko na ang sarili ko…Apektado talaga ako kapag ang mga taong mahal ko, pinagtitingnan o gusto kong parte ng buhay ko ay hindi naniniwala sa akin - mapatrabahong ipinakita ko o sa pagkatao ko na mula bata ay hinulma na ng aking mga magulang...Siguro nga gusto ko na siyang parte ng buhay ko...Uulitin ko - siya bilang parte ng buhay ko, hindi ako parte ng buhay nya...Dito magiging maliwanag na hindi dahil siya ay siya kaya ako nagkakaganito kundi dahil binuksan ko ang puso ko sa kanya, inintindi at inisip na may dahilan kung bakit siya ganyan na pamantayan ko naman kahit sa ordinaryong taong nakikilala ko - sana nga hindi na lang...Dahil mali...Walang patutunguhan...Walang kahapon para sa kanya - na dati pa'y nakikita ko naman pero pinairal ko pa ang pagintindi...Ngayon, malinaw na malinaw na sa akin...Isang malaking panghihinayang dahil alam ko sa sarili ko tapat akong tao...
Isang leksyon ang iniwan sa akin ng pangyayari na ipagpapasalamat ko pa yata sa dapat ay isinusumpa ko - Salamat dahil habang maaga bago pa tuluyang lumapat ay nakaalpas ako...Bago pa tuluyang lumubog ay nakaahon ako...Ngayon, alam ko na...Maari na ako maging maingat...
Pag-alis ang una ko nakitang makakapagpaluwag ng dibdib ko pero ang totoong gusto ko NGAYON ay nandito ako, kasama ako sa hirap at ginhawa, tawa at iyak, mura at kalma, ngarag at petiks - ito ang ikaliligaya ko...
The thought alone made me feel better...Don't need the trust for I will live the day w/ HIM totally not part of it...It's a vindication itself...
Monday, June 23, 2008
He...
Exactly 4 days before my father's 1st year death anniversary...I felt loneliness, I put my earphone, listen to "Dance w/ my father”...Missing him so much...Missing them so much...
My father was not always home, in fact he's much seen outside, always w/ the people of Tuy, Batangas where he spent his 15 years or more - being a public servant...
There was one time when the family decided to eat out, we were at the garage and will ride the car when 4 men came & said "kapitan (he was then), my konting problema po"...the family get together plan was cancelled & he chose to attend to the problem...the kindest person you could ever meet - its my Tatay.
Tatay Bob once said "yang,tatay mo naman, galit na nakangiti pa"...Yes,I seldom saw him mad, he just smiled...Even my parent's relationship was perfect...My inay was a nagger but I did not even once saw my tatay fought back, he just keeps quiet...and from there, my Inay knew, she’ll calm down & then act as if nothing happen...No fight did the house witness from my parents...I am certain about it...As a father, he's the greatest...In my entire existence, it was only once that I was hit by him, twice that he did not let me do what I want...but I do respect him & I was raised a good girl – I must believe...I have to give credit to my Inay who's equally great...See, to this kind of parents, it can be that way...No hitting, freedom to do what they want but still have a good kids you'll be proud of...
A perfect tatay, a perfect husband, a perfect brother, a perfect friend – that’s what he was & forever will be in my heart...
Since I was a kid, I know he's not mine alone, He's also the father of Barangay Mataywanac then later on the brother of Tuy...He ran as a vice mayor to be the second father, he loss...
June 30,2007 was the last day of his service...July 1,2007 will be the supposed first day again of him being just a citizen & my simple father... June 28,2008 - he left...I never experienced or had him as my simple father alone...
This must be his purpose in life - a life live for others & not for himself alone...As a daughter, I am proud to be his girl...coz I know I had a tatay who lived his life well...His absence brought me forever sadness even letting me forget how to be really happy…However I know he's seeing me & telling me "Amputanginang ito,hikhikhik" (the expression that only my tatay can do)...
This alone makes me live day by day...
Tatay I love you so much...Give my hugs & kisses to Inay too...’til you, Inay, Ate Jr & me meet again...Your two little girls will see you again..That’s a promise...
My father was not always home, in fact he's much seen outside, always w/ the people of Tuy, Batangas where he spent his 15 years or more - being a public servant...
There was one time when the family decided to eat out, we were at the garage and will ride the car when 4 men came & said "kapitan (he was then), my konting problema po"...the family get together plan was cancelled & he chose to attend to the problem...the kindest person you could ever meet - its my Tatay.
Tatay Bob once said "yang,tatay mo naman, galit na nakangiti pa"...Yes,I seldom saw him mad, he just smiled...Even my parent's relationship was perfect...My inay was a nagger but I did not even once saw my tatay fought back, he just keeps quiet...and from there, my Inay knew, she’ll calm down & then act as if nothing happen...No fight did the house witness from my parents...I am certain about it...As a father, he's the greatest...In my entire existence, it was only once that I was hit by him, twice that he did not let me do what I want...but I do respect him & I was raised a good girl – I must believe...I have to give credit to my Inay who's equally great...See, to this kind of parents, it can be that way...No hitting, freedom to do what they want but still have a good kids you'll be proud of...
A perfect tatay, a perfect husband, a perfect brother, a perfect friend – that’s what he was & forever will be in my heart...
Since I was a kid, I know he's not mine alone, He's also the father of Barangay Mataywanac then later on the brother of Tuy...He ran as a vice mayor to be the second father, he loss...
June 30,2007 was the last day of his service...July 1,2007 will be the supposed first day again of him being just a citizen & my simple father... June 28,2008 - he left...I never experienced or had him as my simple father alone...
This must be his purpose in life - a life live for others & not for himself alone...As a daughter, I am proud to be his girl...coz I know I had a tatay who lived his life well...His absence brought me forever sadness even letting me forget how to be really happy…However I know he's seeing me & telling me "Amputanginang ito,hikhikhik" (the expression that only my tatay can do)...
This alone makes me live day by day...
Tatay I love you so much...Give my hugs & kisses to Inay too...’til you, Inay, Ate Jr & me meet again...Your two little girls will see you again..That’s a promise...
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Liar!
"We are okai and we are friends"...Oh yes...
From the very start, I want it to be so okai, so perfect...No demand, No expectations, No false hopes...Though I am ready to give my all, be the girl he wants me to be...I don't get mad...I always understand...
Then, he left...I am broken into pieces but did not again demand for an explanation...I processed it on my own...I tried to understand...
Then he came back...
Left again...
Came back and left...
Ask for an apology...I said it's okai, I'm fine...Same old brand new us...
A friend txted, "Saturday ha, its a date, don't worry hindi tayo lalapit kung andon siya promise"
I can't go...I won't...I would not let my weak self be into that situation where I will be left with no option but to say "Hi, kamusta?...I don't wanna be near...
I thought it would be easy...It is not...
Did he lie? Noph, that's what he knows...
It's me who did not tell him the truth...How I feel...How it affects me...
From the very start, I want it to be so okai, so perfect...No demand, No expectations, No false hopes...Though I am ready to give my all, be the girl he wants me to be...I don't get mad...I always understand...
Then, he left...I am broken into pieces but did not again demand for an explanation...I processed it on my own...I tried to understand...
Then he came back...
Left again...
Came back and left...
Ask for an apology...I said it's okai, I'm fine...Same old brand new us...
A friend txted, "Saturday ha, its a date, don't worry hindi tayo lalapit kung andon siya promise"
I can't go...I won't...I would not let my weak self be into that situation where I will be left with no option but to say "Hi, kamusta?...I don't wanna be near...
I thought it would be easy...It is not...
Did he lie? Noph, that's what he knows...
It's me who did not tell him the truth...How I feel...How it affects me...
Friday, June 20, 2008
Roller Coaster
What do I feel? What is this all about? Why do I have to move? Why do I have to live? What’s the purpose? All Questions, NO answers… It has been 1 year…One year of loneliness, sadness and the all the synonymous words that suits the meaning of what we call emotional burden…
Work? I have it… Stable? Not really but still I have it…
Family? Yah but imcomplete…
Friends? I have them…Will it last forever? We all wish…
Workmates who understand? I have them…Will they forever understand? We all want to…
We smile. We laugh. We walk. We drink. We smoke. – Happy? We are not…We are all just hiding the pain…We need to hide it…We want to hide it…
Why should I tell it to everybody? Will it lessen the pain? NO…Will it make me happy again? NO…Will it take out the anxiety? NO…Will it bring back the loss? NO…
I started this writing with no answers but before I end it, I already have the answers…The answer is there from the very start – NO is the answer. ..
Resolved…
Next question please…Now, what are the reasons for me to live? NO can’t be the answer…
Improper word…Improper construction of the sentence…
I have NONE…None to live for, love for, save for…PATHETIC…
I have my sister, my strength, my reason to be strong…I’m thankful for that...I should be…
But when I’m tired, I’m weak – to whom I will run to? Nobody…So this life is what?
From here, where do I go? I don’t know…
My life is a roller coaster…
Breath in, Breath out…Feel better…Feel bad…Forward…Rewind…Pause…Play…Stop…Go…Fly…Crawl…Heeeeeew!! ! Got tired? This is my life…
Work? I have it… Stable? Not really but still I have it…
Family? Yah but imcomplete…
Friends? I have them…Will it last forever? We all wish…
Workmates who understand? I have them…Will they forever understand? We all want to…
We smile. We laugh. We walk. We drink. We smoke. – Happy? We are not…We are all just hiding the pain…We need to hide it…We want to hide it…
Why should I tell it to everybody? Will it lessen the pain? NO…Will it make me happy again? NO…Will it take out the anxiety? NO…Will it bring back the loss? NO…
I started this writing with no answers but before I end it, I already have the answers…The answer is there from the very start – NO is the answer. ..
Resolved…
Next question please…Now, what are the reasons for me to live? NO can’t be the answer…
Improper word…Improper construction of the sentence…
I have NONE…None to live for, love for, save for…PATHETIC…
I have my sister, my strength, my reason to be strong…I’m thankful for that...I should be…
But when I’m tired, I’m weak – to whom I will run to? Nobody…So this life is what?
From here, where do I go? I don’t know…
My life is a roller coaster…
Breath in, Breath out…Feel better…Feel bad…Forward…Rewind…Pause…Play…Stop…Go…Fly…Crawl…Heeeeeew!! ! Got tired? This is my life…
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